Cracktastic Doctor Who
by torchwoodtimelord
Summary: Welcome to the Crack!Verse, boys and girls. Where odd things have happened to transplant our favorite time traveling heroes, and one villain, into our usually dull and boring universe. Fangirly and fanboy chaos ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:**Don't own Doctor Who, don't own Life on Mars (for what little reference there is to it here) because both are owned by the mighty BBC. And I most certainly don't own Harry Potter (again, for what little reference there is here) which is owned by JK Rowling. Welcome to the Crack!Verse, my friends. It shall be randomly odd and strange. Then again, it wouldn't be crack!fic if it wasn't!

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**_ATTACK OF THE FANGIRLS (and some fanboys)_**

"Oh my God! It's David Tennant!" a girl screamed.

"Oh no. Not again," the Doctor said, grabbing Martha by the hand.

"Whoa!" she exclaimed as he pulled her behind him, into a run.

"Don't ask! Just keep running!" he shouted, glancing back over his shoulder to see a mob of teenage girls following them.

"Martha! Up there!" he shouted, stopping long enough to point up to a fire escape.

"How are we going to climb that thing?!" she exclaimed, pointing to the ladder that wasn't quite all the way down.

"Hurry! He's getting away!"

"I don't have time for this!" he shouted, reaching up and messing up his hair. "Over there! We'll hide in the bin then!"

"In the bin?!"

"Yes, the bin! Come on!" the Doctor barked, dragging her along behind him into an alley.

"Can't we hide behind it?"

"Oh no. These fangirls are clever. Very clever." He let go of her hand and flung open the lid. He didn't even offer to let Martha go first, and dove right in.

"You want me, to get in there, with the trash," she said, the screaming fangirls voices could be heard coming closer.

"Yes, now come on before they see you!" he said in a panic, reaching out and grabbing his current companion by her jacket, trying to pull her in with him.

She brushed his hands off and sighed. She pulled herself up and swung her legs over the side of the bin. The Doctor rose up and grabbed the lid, pulling it down over them.

"It stinks in here," Martha complained.

"Shh... not a sound," he whispered to her. He could hear the trample of the herd outside their makeshift little safe house.

"Who's there?" a voice snapped in the dark. Martha shrieked in surprise, and the Doctor clung to her arm rather tightly.

"Hey, speak up," the voice said after clearing it's throat.

"My god. We're about to be cut up and killed by a homeless man," Martha said worriedly.

"No no no no," the Doctor said, keeping his voice down and searching his pockets for something. His fingers skipped over his sonic screwdriver for a change, deciding it would be far too loud and would give off their hiding place.

Instead, he found a little torch light keychain he'd found under the TARDIS console earlier that morning. Quickly, those long delicate fingers tightened the head of the torch, and the little light came on. He flashed it over the opposite end of the bin.

"Jack?!" the Doctor shouted. Martha clamped a hand over his mouth that smelled faintly of overripe bananas. When she took her hand away, he made sure he spoke much quieter.

"What are you doing in here?"

"Hiding from the fangirls," he replied. "They think I'm some John Barrowman guy." He raised a brow at the Doctor, who still had one hand clinging to Martha's arm in a death grip. "And why are you two hiding in here?"

"David Tennant," Martha replied nonchalantly, prying the Doctor's hand off her arm.

"Well, at least this time they didn't call me Barty Crouch Jr."

"Another David Tennant reference I'm assuming," Martha said.

"Of course. You didn't see that movie? He managed to pull off the crazy wizard so well for the whole 15 to 20 minutes he was in it," Jack said.

"Don't remind me," the Doctor muttered.

"Do you think they're gone now?" Martha asked.

The Doctor and Jack both nodded, and the Doctor lifted the lid just enough to peer out of the darkness of the bin.

Suddenly, the lid was thrown open, and Martha and the Doctor scrambled into Jack's corner to avoid having a body drop down onto their heads.

"Master!" Martha shouted in surprise. Jack clamped his hand over her mouth. It smelled of old pizza.

"Fangirls think you're John Simm again?" the Doctor asked, shining the tiny torchlight onto his nemesis.

The master shook his head and sighed. "Worse," he replied. "This time it's the fanboys. They're still mad because apparently John Simm isn't in the sequel to Life on Mars"

"Really?" Jack asked, a hint of dissapointment in his voice. "Simm was the only reason I ever watched it, too."

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**A/N** - Yes. This particular vein of crack!tastic whoniverse does continue. I just need to find the rest of the files.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER:**Don't own Doctor Who or Torchwood. All is owned by the BBC. But this was too cracky NOT to be written.

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**_Toy Shopping Interrupted_**

"By Rassalon! I'm an action figure!" the Doctor shouted, taking one of the packaged toys down from the shelf. "It even comes with a tiny little sonic screwdriver! Brilliant!"

"That's not all you are, Doc," Jack said, pointing to the television suspended up on the wall behind the check out counter. The Doctor followed the direction of his arm, and gasped in surprise.

"I don't remember having a film crew with me on the TARDIS! I'd remember that! All the hustle and bustle, and trying to tell them not to touch certain buttons on the controls."

"Oh great," Martha chimed in. "That's all we need now." She slapped Jack on the forearm hard. "His ego's already the size of a zeppelin! Now he thinks he's a film star!"

"Hey! Look!" the Master shouted from across the shop. "They've got miniatures of my Toclafane for Christmas ornaments!"

"Oh my god!" cried a squeaky teen's voice. "It's... It's..."

"David Tennant!" another cried out.

"Run for you life!" The Doctor grabbed Martha by the hand and made a run for the emergency exit.

Jack, glancing over his shoulder to see the Doctor and Martha running away, was slightly confused. That was, until a teenage fangirl grabbed the Ianto Jones action figure he was lovingly petting from his hands.

"Help me!" he cried as he was swarmed.

The Master laughed menacingly, pressing an obviously fake beard onto his chin and making his way up to the counter with an armload of Toclafane ornament boxes.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER:**Welcome to the crack!tastic world of Doctor Who. I don't own Doctor Who, but I wish I did. It's actually owned by the BBC. This cracky version, however, came from my own unbalanced mind.

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**_Oh No, Not Again!_**

"Oh my beautiful TARDIS!" he wailed.

"David, it's just a prop."

"They've gutted you! And turned you into a little blue box that is just as small inside as it is outside!"

"David! Calm down! It's a prop! See," the camera man said, knocking on the plywood. "It's not real."

"How could they do this to you! The last TARDIS in existence, and those humans ripped you apart!"

"I give up," the camera man said. "Russell!" he shouted, trying to get the director's attention. "I think David's lost it!"

As this was going on, Donna on the other hand was having the time of her life. People kept wanting her attention. Except Jack, who kept tugging on her hair and running away, just so she would shout at him "I'm not bothered!"

The Master, unfortunately, was nowhere to be seen. For he had the right idea of wearing a fake moustache to hide himself in the crowd. That was, until he took a sip of his latte, and his moustache fell off.

"It's John Simm!" someone shouted.

"Oh no, not again!" the Master exclaimed, running from the set in a hurry, a crowd of angry fanboys chasing behind.

This, of course, caught Jack's attention. As he was fond of both running and the passion of fanboys for their chosen fandom. What made it far more exciting for him was that he was, in fact, president of the John Simm Life on Mars fan club. Once he made his way to the head of the mob, he took charge and helped to keep the Master from getting away.

Rose and Martha were seen in the background shot of the Doctor complaining in a wildly passionate and expressive way, grabbing at and mussing his hair as well, about how the BBC had ruined the most magnificent machine in the entirety of time, space, and... well... the universe. Martha and Rose, being in the background of this shot of course, were texting back and forth, giggling a little, and gossiping to one another about how handsome the Doctor looked when he was very distressed.

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**A/N** - There is one, maybe two more parts to this before I'm done.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER:**Doctor Who don't belong to me yo. And neither does Heroes. They belong to the BBC and NBC respectively. Now enjoy your chosen dose of Doctor Who Crack!Fic.

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**_I Sound So American._**

"David."

"No. Doctor."

"David, please, calm down."

"I will not calm down until you call me Doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R."

"David, I really appreciate how involved you've become in your role as the tenth doctor, but this isn't _Doctor Who_. This is-"

"Nine"

"What?"

"Me! Look there! When did I get a super power that turns me invisible? I don't remember that."

"David-"

"Doctor," he corrected. "David's such a nice name. But it isn't for me. I much prefer my own," he said, pulling his sonic screwdriver from his pocket and aiming it at the muted television. It was muted no more. "And when did my voice change? I sound so... American. Or at least, like an English man trying to sound like an American trying to sound English."

The producer sighed and shook his head. "You leave me no choice David. We're going to have to replace you with someone else."

"Shush. I'm watching myself on the TV," he said, leaning his chair back and putting his red trainers clad feet up on the glass top table.

"David, that's a television show. Like the one you film every day. It's not real."

"Like hell it is. Look, I'm right over there. See! Close up! Did my ears really look that big?"

"That's Christopher Bloody Eccleston you idiot!" the producer shouted in frustration.

The Doctor ignored him, reaching into his pocket for a package of m&ms. He only ate the blue ones. He liked the taste of blue above all the other colors in the package.


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: Once again, I don't own Doctor Who. The Beeb does. I just write the crack!fics.

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**_That One Where They Realize WTF Happened_**

_"David Tennant finally cracks! Doctor needs a doctor!" _The Master held up the tabloid. A large picture of the Doctor brandishing an action figure of himself against stage hands who needed to wheel the TARDIS prop off the set splashed across the cover.

"They didn't get your best side, Doc," Jack said, snatching the tabloid away and thumbed through it. Something else on the cover had caught his eye.

"That's not funny! If I need a doctor, I'll just phone Martha," he said, sticking his fingers into the jar of jam with a pout, as if eating jam would somehow comfort him.

Rose shook her head and sat down at the table beside him. "I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean, we did accidentally displace a cast of people from a popular television programme."

"And one random actor from the studio next door," the Master added.

Rose nodded. "You'd think they would forgive the Doctor for a little culture shock."

Jack only mumbled a reply, flipping through the pages of the tabloid, lost in interest and juicy bits of gossip, that is, until his eyes went wide in surprise. "I'm MARRIED?!" he exclaimed rather loudly.

"Yeah, to me," the Doctor said, licking jam from his fingers before diving back into the jar for more. "According to 72% of fanfiction writers."

"No, no. I mean, John Barrowman is. And I've been missing for three weeks now." He kicked this thought in his head around a moment, then grinned. "So, when John gets back home... can you imagine the hot sweaty-"

"Oh no you don't!" the Doctor shouted, flinging a handful of jam at him. "Not until we get this mess all sorted out!"

The Master snickered, giving Donna a little slap on the rump when she passed through the room for a cup of coffee.

"Oi! How many times do I need to tell you!" she shouted, slapping the Master in the back of the head with her open palm. "Stop grabbing my cheeks! I ain't your mate!"

"What? I can't help it if-" His reply earned him another smack to the back of the head, this time from the Doctor.

"Well folks," Martha said, glancing around at everyone. "What are we going to do? We can't stay here and live out these people's lives forever."

"Things would be so much easier if we had a TARDIS. Just pile everyone up, check the discrepancies in time against the internal data banks and-" The Master said, until the Doctor's digital watch went off.

"Oh yes!" he exclaimed, jumping from the table, dropping his jar of jam and spilling it all on Rose in a mad dash to get to the television. "Our show is on!"

"See... THAT'S why we never should have let him start watching the television here!" Martha shouted.

"I don't see the harm in-"

"Oh look... Does anyone remember this one?... I don't think we've done this quite yet..."

"I think," Donna said, coming over and sitting on the couch beside the Doctor. "I think I might have figured out the problem."

"Which is?" Rose asked as Martha helped her get the jam off her hoodie.

The Doctor pushed up his glasses and leaned in a bit closer. "Master, have you got your ring on you?"

"Always. It's the only way I can ever survive an encounter with you. Why?"

"It's green isn't it?"

"Yes. You should remember that from the last time I punched you in the face."

"Then why are you wearing an orange one there?"

"Do we have TiVo? I want to watch this later when you're not talking so much," Jack said, coming over to join them, followed by the others straggling behind.

"Well, this is just a programme. I don't see how-"

"It's not just any programme," Donna said. "It's the episode that ends the entire series... and it doesn't look like it's going to end well."

"They never do. Well, the first episode or two. It's always a three part arc, from what I understand of this culture," the Doctor said. "But it all works out in the end."

"We have to do something!" Rose shouted. "What if... what if something happens! If it happens to the us that are there, then the us here will-"

"Ah ha!" Donna shouted. "Let me handle this one, Doctor. You'll just make us all confused." She patted his shoulder lightly before talking again. "I think we found the people that belong here. That Doctor, he doesn't look too heroic does he? He keeps twitching. And that Jack, he's too..."

"Handsome?" Jack offered with a grin. Martha giggled. Rose elbowed him.

"No. He's too camp, even for you Jack. In this world, all of that is lights and clockwork, props and costumes. But in our's-"

"It's completely real. They're just normal humans. That David Tennant, he's no massively brilliant Time Lord, and that Jack certainly isn't as arrogant and sure of himself as he should be. Now all we've got to do is figure out how to get us swapped back."

Everyone nodded at Rose's statement. But the Master had to open his gob. "Only problem is, before we can do that, we have to find a way to find a working TARDIS and fast, before the series ends. Also, we have to figure out how to keep that John Simm guy there and me here without cocking up everything for the rest of you."

The Doctor blinked, staring at him for a moment. "Oh no... You're not going to get away with that one again..."

The Master glared at him. "It's those bloody drums, Doctor. I'm not going back until someone finds a way to stop those bloody drums!"

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**A/N**- And that's it. That's all I've got. All I've ever written. I may or may not come back to this, but it'll be most likely on a whim if at all. Hope you all enjoyed this bit of crack!tastic Doctor Who-ness. :)


End file.
